Parties Galore, Empty Chairs and Pee Jugs

Haven't felt like posting lately. Been out doing my damndest to have a good time and trying to get more sleep.

Last weekend was a kick ass wedding bash in Wisconsin and I was wearing THE hottest black dress I bought just for that night. Felt like a queen. Danced like a fiend, and I know I was drunk because when I'm sober I can barely walk in the pointy high heel slip ons I wore that night. Had a little hangover from Tanqueraying too hard. Nothing too serious. The pics I took with my digital camera are hilarious. Had a few shots of the floor and ceiling. It takes skill to dance, snap a pic and hold a drink at the same time.

The weekend before that I visited a festival in the small town that I recently moved to. It's a decent sized fair with food, rides, crap (I mean craft) booths, food tasting, and events for adults and the kiddies. And then there's the parade. This year it lasted TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!!! I think every high school band within a 100 mile radius marched in it. SHEESH! And some people need to take it easy with the candy distribution from the floats. Pitch it over to the kids on the sidewalks, don't whip it at em. Although they were probably intentionally throwing the candy at people's faces to keep them awake through such a long, drawn out affair. How many times can you hear an awkward, out of tune rendition of Louie, Louie?

Anyhoo, I digress.

I thoroughly enjoyed all the fair food goodness I possibly could without going into insulin shock or having a heart attack. MMMMMM.....funnel cakes, carmel apples, corn dogs, oh my. In the early evening, I visited a BBQ festival in another town, had a few drinks, listened to an interesting band (replete with interpretive dancers - no shoes, long skirts, unshaven, haven't bathed...you know the ones) and struck up an hour long conversation with some complete strangers who also had a few drinks. THEN, later that night, I went to a coworker's house party......good times as well. All of this fun on one night. When it rains, it pours.

Back to the parade, I almost forgot to mention this. The night before (sometimes even 2 nights before), all the locals set up their lawn chairs in their "usual places" along the main street. Some of the chairs are really expensive looking. Many chairs are even tied up together with rope to keep them in a group. This is a tradition. God forbid you set your chairs up in someone's spot! I grew up near a big city and there is no way that we would do this, because you'd end up missing your lawn chairs the next day. No use in that! So when I drove down the main street late the night before, it looked so eerie with all the empty chairs lining the street and no one to be seen. It was like something big was going on and in the middle of it, everyone got abducted by aliens. Very strange. When I talked to some people at work about it, they didn't see it as weird at all. Evidently it is common in small towns to set your chairs out early. I took some pics of this phenomena with my digital camera, I'll post them soon.

In between my party filled weekends of late, I've been slaving away at work. This is our slam packed busy season, so when I get home at night, instead of dedicating my time to getting the house more organized, I've been eating dinner, taking care of the laundry/dishes/pet care/exercise/feeding/cleanup stuff, then nesting on the couch for the rest of the night in front of the tube. Normal stuff. And that's OK. I'm trying not to guilt myself out too much about it.

Haven't heard anything further about the cancer thing......still going through more testing. I have to take a 24 hour urine test which involves a big obnoxious orange jug (which you have to refrigerate to keep the pee fresh) and a large dinner plate sized plastic bowl you fit over the toilet seat, with a little notch to make it easy to pour the liquid into the jug. Every time you pee, every SINGLE time, within a 24 hour period you have to collect every drop. So I'm waiting for this weekend where I can go under house arrest and dedicate one day to the pee jug. I thought for one second I could do it during the week, but there's no purse or bag big enough or inconspicuous enough to stash all the equipment you have to take with you to the bathroom at work. No hiding that thing. It's one heck of a conversation starter. And just imagine, for those people who have problems with coworkers eating their food and drinking their drinks......the pee jug would solve that one right away. Just label it "Lemonade" when you put it in the company fridge. Problem solved.

Ok, time to wrap this one up, it's getting late. I'll try not to get too lazy with my posting. I have lots of respect for those who are dedicated to posting every or every other day.

Rollercoastin'

After sleepless nights and much anxiety and anticipation, the big appointment with the out of town "specialist" at the area's renown cancer center has come and gone. From what he said, I'm not out of the woods, but the verdict is out again on whether this tumor is what is it or not. Apparently one of the radiologists read my films wrong, one doctor did not order further testing when he should have, and you should always get many opinions when it comes to cancer. (Which I knew already and I'm glad that I'm doing.) Is this tumor what the doctors back home had originally suggested? Not likely the specialist said, based on my medical history and the basic testing I'd already had done. They can't completely rule it out without further detailed testing, which I will be doing this week. But the fact that they didn't admit me then and there, and that the specialist was pretty calm and didn't have an overwhelming sense of urgency, made me feel more relieved.

It was like a brick had been lifted, even if it is temporary, I am enjoying it. The past two days, I've slept like a baby, gone out to see friends, enjoyed the local fall outdoor events and had peace of mind. Felt normal. I was able to listen to music again, which I hadn't done since the original diagnosis.

The thing that kind of bugs me is that I would not have gone down this road had I not been persistent, nosy and overly inquisitive about my health and wellbeing. What if it was the worst case scenario and I had just taken the word of the doctor who brushed off the CT scan and said "we'll just monitor it" and never ordered further lab tests? Scary. I really fear for older people without relatives/caregivers or those who don't know what questions to ask, are afraid to ask, or just assume that "doc knows best."

You know you best, you know when something doesn't feel right or make sense, and you have to have an open relationship with your doctor where you feel comfortable asking questions, and they are willing to answer them and address any issues.

And I apologize for not posting since mid week but I was enjoying my weekend after 7 days of pretty high stress.

By the way, Ruby has recovered completely. She's still finishing out her antibiotics which is a real treat for her because she gets them mushed in with her favorite soft food. I've never seen an animal so excited to take meds.

Too much too soon

So did anyone else feel like they were a little overwhelmed with the coverage of the 5 yr. anniversary of 9/11? I remember that day like it was yesterday. That morning I was watching ABC news while getting ready for work. I ran over to the TV and saw the view right after the 1st plane hit. Then I saw the second plane hit the tower as it happened. For a time there, it seemed surreal, like it couldn't really be happening. That day and for the next week or so, I was in front of the TV, eating/breathing/sleeping the coverage practically 24-7. My sister was a United flight attendant at that time, and my mom called saying she was on a flight that morning originating from the east coast, but from what city we weren't sure. I was glued to the phone, anxiously waiting for a call that she was OK, which she was, thank God. I will not ever, ever forget that day. I don't need to see cheesy, overdone Hallmark movies to bring out the true emotions I felt then. And I will not pay to see a movie about it. I tried watching the coverage yesterday and couldn't make it through even 2 minutes of it. Too much, still too soon.

Glad to report I'm feeling more emotionally stable about the whole tumor/cancer thing. Still haven't gotten the word back from my doc on when the appointment is with the team of specialists. I'm OK with waiting a week or two to go through all the testing because I need time to fully process the news and get myself (and my family) together. Dedicating myself to work and organizing stuff around the house has in a weird way lifted my spirits.

Today was crazy. Ruby had a case of the puke/projectile diarrhea. My poor baby. She's never had this before so I though it was just a one time thing, get it out and she'd feel better. But it just kept getting worse as the day went on and more frequent. So I took her to the vet. After testing her they said she has an imbalance of bacteria in her digestive system, like bacterial colitis or something like that. The vet said she'd seen a few other dogs in with the same thing today. Not an uncommon problem, but medication is needed to kill the bad bacteria and restore balance. So now Ruby has three different meds to take with (her favorite) soft food. It's been about 3 hours after the first dose and she's only pooped once. So far so good.

With all the crap (no pun intended) I'm going through right now, seeing Ruby lift her tail earlier today and spray yellow liquid shit all over the living room carpet, then put her tail back down and getting it all ground into her long tail fur just made me throw up my hands......thinking THAT'S PERFECT, WHAT the HELL else can happen!!!???? I thought the roof was going to cave in just for icing on the cake.

But I told my scared little Ruby everything was OK and pet her and wiped the chunks of poop out of her fur. And she looked at me with her big brown eyes. Then I laughed out loud. The whole room stunk to high heaven and so did she, but none of that mattered.

Can't sweat the small stuff, you know?!!!

I highly recommend a carpet cleaner if you have pets. It is, hands-down, the best investment I've made. Saved me a security deposit many a time! Cleanup takes minutes and then it's like it never happened.

This weekend has been hell. My great friend Meg who's been through cancer before said it's normal to think of the worst case scenario, which is of course what I've been doing, day & night since I got the news on Friday. Why they don't put you on antidepressants the moment after they tell you is beyond me. (Probably because people would OD on it.) They should at least refer you to a counselor or something instead of leaving you to fester about it over the weekend and research like a maniac on the Internet.

I can't search for support groups related to this cancer anymore. All that I've read online so far has been all the more depressing. There are cries for help......everyone's outlook is grim and I can't hear that shit right now. I wonder if the success stories just don't post......I wish they did.

Although I have been busting butt around home and going in to work over the weekend to try to close up all loose ends and put my "affairs" in order, I still have lots to do. But the constant supply of work makes me feel better. It helps to keep my mind busy and off the 400 pound gorilla so to say.

The doctor said having this type of cancer is so rare that they have no idea what causes it, they don't know the risk factors or if it's genetic. He said I can live life as usual til the surgery or whatever else they need to do. So I had a coupla drinks the last few nights. To celebrate one of my best friend's weddings which happened this weekend 350 miles away. I was supposed to go, but I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so I'd probably be a freakin mess during the whole damn thing. And I really didn't feel like bustin up his day with the news, if anyone asked me what was wrong. I know he'll understand.....he called last night wanting to know what was up and I said I'd call him Monday and we'd talk. Today he TXTd me really wanting to know and I want to tell him but would really rather not put this shit on him on his wedding weekend.

Last night after crying for the first time since I heard the news, I started feeling a little more positive. Like I needed to just let go. I decided that I would try my hardest to think, "I will be healthy, I will be OK, I will beat it". I waiver back and forth now between that and the other, but I feel like I am starting to come around to the acceptance stage and can find the strength to go on.

My friends and family have been kind of strange about it so far. They've been sympathetic on the phone, but haven't called back since I first called them. When I hear they're really sick, I call them every day or every other. Maybe they're just freaked out and need time to absorb. I hope they come around and call me back - instead of me reaching out to them all the time. I've been pretty independent all my life and prided myself on it, but now I feel the need for a support system. Many times I've been the one who catches people when they fall, now I need a catcher.

Taking my doggie Ruby for walks has made up some of the most peaceful times of this weekend. Such a simple thing that makes all the difference. I can't help but laugh when I see her panting and she looks up at me - a smile on her face, her little tongue hanging out of her mouth and her tail wagging. She's my girl.

Welcome to my new blog. I'm 33 and just got an initial diagnosis of a rare form of cancer. There's so much I could have written about before now, good and bad, just never did. Now I feel compelled to do so - as a much needed outlet for my anxiety, to give and receive support from others, and to enjoy life - how ever long it may be.

On a lighter note, I've decided that when I get the tumor out, I'd like to sell it on Ebay. If I'm lucky, maybe you'll be able to see a face of a famous person on it.