This weekend has been hell. My great friend Meg who's been through cancer before said it's normal to think of the worst case scenario, which is of course what I've been doing, day & night since I got the news on Friday. Why they don't put you on antidepressants the moment after they tell you is beyond me. (Probably because people would OD on it.) They should at least refer you to a counselor or something instead of leaving you to fester about it over the weekend and research like a maniac on the Internet.
I can't search for support groups related to this cancer anymore. All that I've read online so far has been all the more depressing. There are cries for help......everyone's outlook is grim and I can't hear that shit right now. I wonder if the success stories just don't post......I wish they did.
Although I have been busting butt around home and going in to work over the weekend to try to close up all loose ends and put my "affairs" in order, I still have lots to do. But the constant supply of work makes me feel better. It helps to keep my mind busy and off the 400 pound gorilla so to say.
The doctor said having this type of cancer is so rare that they have no idea what causes it, they don't know the risk factors or if it's genetic. He said I can live life as usual til the surgery or whatever else they need to do. So I had a coupla drinks the last few nights. To celebrate one of my best friend's weddings which happened this weekend 350 miles away. I was supposed to go, but I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so I'd probably be a freakin mess during the whole damn thing. And I really didn't feel like bustin up his day with the news, if anyone asked me what was wrong. I know he'll understand.....he called last night wanting to know what was up and I said I'd call him Monday and we'd talk. Today he TXTd me really wanting to know and I want to tell him but would really rather not put this shit on him on his wedding weekend.
Last night after crying for the first time since I heard the news, I started feeling a little more positive. Like I needed to just let go. I decided that I would try my hardest to think, "I will be healthy, I will be OK, I will beat it". I waiver back and forth now between that and the other, but I feel like I am starting to come around to the acceptance stage and can find the strength to go on.
My friends and family have been kind of strange about it so far. They've been sympathetic on the phone, but haven't called back since I first called them. When I hear they're really sick, I call them every day or every other. Maybe they're just freaked out and need time to absorb. I hope they come around and call me back - instead of me reaching out to them all the time. I've been pretty independent all my life and prided myself on it, but now I feel the need for a support system. Many times I've been the one who catches people when they fall, now I need a catcher.
Taking my doggie Ruby for walks has made up some of the most peaceful times of this weekend. Such a simple thing that makes all the difference. I can't help but laugh when I see her panting and she looks up at me - a smile on her face, her little tongue hanging out of her mouth and her tail wagging. She's my girl.
I can't search for support groups related to this cancer anymore. All that I've read online so far has been all the more depressing. There are cries for help......everyone's outlook is grim and I can't hear that shit right now. I wonder if the success stories just don't post......I wish they did.
Although I have been busting butt around home and going in to work over the weekend to try to close up all loose ends and put my "affairs" in order, I still have lots to do. But the constant supply of work makes me feel better. It helps to keep my mind busy and off the 400 pound gorilla so to say.
The doctor said having this type of cancer is so rare that they have no idea what causes it, they don't know the risk factors or if it's genetic. He said I can live life as usual til the surgery or whatever else they need to do. So I had a coupla drinks the last few nights. To celebrate one of my best friend's weddings which happened this weekend 350 miles away. I was supposed to go, but I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so I'd probably be a freakin mess during the whole damn thing. And I really didn't feel like bustin up his day with the news, if anyone asked me what was wrong. I know he'll understand.....he called last night wanting to know what was up and I said I'd call him Monday and we'd talk. Today he TXTd me really wanting to know and I want to tell him but would really rather not put this shit on him on his wedding weekend.
Last night after crying for the first time since I heard the news, I started feeling a little more positive. Like I needed to just let go. I decided that I would try my hardest to think, "I will be healthy, I will be OK, I will beat it". I waiver back and forth now between that and the other, but I feel like I am starting to come around to the acceptance stage and can find the strength to go on.
My friends and family have been kind of strange about it so far. They've been sympathetic on the phone, but haven't called back since I first called them. When I hear they're really sick, I call them every day or every other. Maybe they're just freaked out and need time to absorb. I hope they come around and call me back - instead of me reaching out to them all the time. I've been pretty independent all my life and prided myself on it, but now I feel the need for a support system. Many times I've been the one who catches people when they fall, now I need a catcher.
Taking my doggie Ruby for walks has made up some of the most peaceful times of this weekend. Such a simple thing that makes all the difference. I can't help but laugh when I see her panting and she looks up at me - a smile on her face, her little tongue hanging out of her mouth and her tail wagging. She's my girl.
posted by Kat at 8:33 AM
3 Comments:
keep taking Ruby for walks, and just try to do your day by day the best you can...
i have an aunt who battled ovarian cancer about 7 years ago (and she's still going strong, BTW). Here doctors didn't think she'd survive the surgery, but she did. It was very grim. she went thru months of surguries and treatment.
But she told me later that she didn't even think of not surviving. She just did the best she could every day, even if it wan't much, and tried to think of just that day. She had a little dog, a schnauzer, and that little dog kept her company when she was home and feeling not so good.
she is my hero.
your family and friends probably are trying to deal with it. you will get the support you need i'm sure.
Keep posting...try to keep a sense of humor...and know that people will help catch you.
((hug))
Hearing stories like that give me hope and help me stay strong.
Thank you so very much for sharing and giving support.....it means a lot to me.
((hug)) too.
don'tcha love it when dogs smile at you!?
I have a little longhaired dachshund named Audrey...she is so sweet.
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