After30

rejection injection...

2010-09-03T04:50:00.000-07:00

...a reflection:
no matter how many times you get rejected before, during or after you do something, and no matter what reason is provided, whether you accept the reason as logical and acceptable, it still hurts. it still stings. rejection is rejection. no is no. the fact is that you could not please anyone, you could not fix anything, you were unable to do anything right, your presence was not helpful. the problem is you and that's not an easy pill to swallow.

especially when you try to do something keeping an open mind/attitude and it crashes and burns. and you had a feeling it would. but you went ahead anyway because you thought that maybe this time it would be ok.

i reject rejection. it's exhausting. refuse it.
either that or i should just expect rejection and look forward to never being disappointed. make the exception the rule.

how to deal

2010-08-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

if you expect to be disappointed every day, you won't be disappointed

which one of these don't go together

2010-02-21T21:09:00.001-08:00

Just because someone chooses to try anything to make something work, does not make them a better person than anyone else and does not necessarily mean the thing they are working on, SHOULD work. Sometimes there is much time wasted trying to jam that square peg into a round hole. How much of yourself should you change to make someone else happy? To what level of brainwashing should you subject yourself, with creams, and drugs, and books, and workshops, and conferences, and therapists (professionally trained or otherwise), to enable yourself to be satisfied with the life you live when maybe you are just resisting change that needs to happen?

Is it better to rip a bandaid off slowly? Is it worth it to try psycho quackery to help you feel better about decisions you make?

Is it right to throw something that's somewhat positive and comfortable and socially acceptable away? What if you came to know that there were terms that were not negotiable? And you would have to live with that if you stayed. You only have one life. Do you live a partial lie or do you live as you truly are, even if you lose most everything you have (and some of those really hurt and will hurt forever)?

But you end up gaining people and experiences that parallel and add to who you are deep down inside, the person you are discovering every day as you buck social norms and expectations. You are not what you wear, what you drive, how you should act for your age, how many children you have, what church you attend, what you do for your job, political affiliation, who you are married to, or how much money you have. Sadly, most people seem to judge what one's worth is based on those factors. Can one be blamed for conforming in order to be seen as worthy and allowed to advance in society?

just a small town girl...sometimes i wish...

2010-02-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

...especially when it comes to getting something done that you know would be easy as pie if you went to high school with the people to whom you're talking or scouted with their kids. I've found in many cases (not all) that small town folks will engage in conversation with people from larger towns, and although pleasant and kind, they deep down don't like or trust them, but will *gladly* accept their money. In fact, will go after their money. Because they believe outsiders have more of it. IMHO. (Also a classic college town scenario with the students, when the university is one of the top employers in the area.)

Recently got a ticket in a small town on a charge I believe was minimal and ridiculous and should have been negotiable by the state's attorney's office. First one in 20 years. I tried in earnest to contact the state's attorney multiple times for assistance and hopefully some sort of deal to work out the fine, if there was no other choice but to pay. The answer was no, no, NO and "if you want to go to court, you will just pay more in court fees." So the answer is to shut up, write the check, and be on your way, city girl!

But one must remember that any money collected by the city pays the city's salaries so who you think might help you is always motivated by money. And if that money comes from you admitting guilt, whether you like it or not - agree with it or not, then they will never give you an opportunity to prove yourself different or provide other options.

Unfortunately I have had to travel through this town for the last 8 months or so to take care of leftover business from the ending of a relationship. I wish I didn't have to, but will most likely need to for a few months to come at the least.

When I scrape together some money for that ridiculous fine, I am composing a letter to send in to let them know I will no longer travel through this town (I will find a new route), purchase gas in this town, buy food in this town, nor solicit any of the businesses in this town. The fee paid for a ticket no one wants to discuss with me will cost the city far more than the ticket in the long run.

I'm sure it will fall on deaf ears, or go in the same circular file that all the other letters like mine have been placed, but better to voice an opinion than stay silent. At least they'll have something to entertain them while running to the bank with my check.

do what they told you

2010-02-18T00:34:00.000-08:00

has a problem doing what people think is "best" for her. maybe she knows what she wants to do at the moment and while your suggestion is very nice and sweet, i don't feel like doing that right now, maybe for reasons that you don't know and didn't ask or don't matter to you even if you knew.

we don't always get to do what i want when i want, so, i have to deal with that. touche'. doesn't mean that you can't always suggest, but just know that we don't always get what we want. just do what you need to do. i will come around when ready.

a little paisch entz

2009-05-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

late night, overtired.

brain packed with thoughts, an overcrowded elevator going up to the 103rd floor, down to the basement and back again.

hoping to get through this situation i'm in without losing those people i deeply care about when i emerge on the other side.

they know who they are.

the burden they help me bear right now is so complicated, so heavy, it would drive lesser souls away.

yet they give me hope, brighten my mood, open new "doors," and provide aspects of relationships i've never had or haven't had in a long time.

getting back to enjoying life instead of just finding distractions to fill the time.

what i had been looking for has now been found, but during one of the most trying times in life.

better times are coming, be patient. a request for others, and from myself.

When you don't know what to do, haiku.

2009-05-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

Clicking away
Spring green leaves
Began in April

Where It Goes Nobody Knows

2009-02-23T21:18:00.000-08:00

At this point I'm considering a few options for moving forward in life while trying to juggle all the stuff I'm currently dealing with. Ah, story of our lives, no?

Back in 2004, during my job interview for the job I currently hold, I was asked what I wanted to accomplish within 5 years. Along with goals that were related to that specific job, I stated that I wanted to earn a PhD. Well, the gig is up, almost been 5 years. Time to get on that or I'll eat my words. Determined to be Dr. before I'm 40 or so I tell myself.

So what's the freakin' holdup you say. I ask myself that too. Well, it was a welcome change not doing homework after 20+ years of school. And having time to watch tv seems a luxury. But I miss the constant stream - ok let's be honest, more like a blasting firehose - of new information and people to meet. And the feeling of achievement that is so much more fairly equated: you complete assignment as required, you get an A. Not always so in business - at your job. You could slave for days/hours/weeks/months, deliver on time, and still get shite on. "But at least you know you did your best." Bah! I love reward and recognition no matter how uncomfortable it can be (oh yes I have self esteem issues for sure. thanks, parents!!! JK, ok maybe not.). So when I get that A, it has that positive closure I crave. I heard the information, practiced it, remembered it, applied it in the correct manner. Success. No one debates or challenges an A. Done, move along.

And when I taught a college class, I had such a range of academic freedom to teach as I saw fit. Almost to the point where I thought it was too good to be true. And I loved that too. But I applied the same kind of structure that I experienced as a student and it felt just as rewarding on the other side of the desk. The way to measure levels of achievement was clear cut. I went home at night feeling like I accomplished the goal. Job well done.

But if you really listen to what is being said above, it is that I enjoy the school environment. The structure and culture is appealing. So the 10 million dollar question is, what do I want to go back to study? And would I be going back because I just like to be a student or because I need the degree to advance my career?

Next question: where is my career going? ding ding ding. Good question.

Truth be told, there are many times I feel like I should be teaching marketing at post secondary level because I've been in it so long. The experience I could bring (as opposed to some profs who teach right after piggybacking degrees) from being out in the field for 10+ years along with my other knowledge in computers/media would probably make for interesting and challenging classes that the students might even enjoy! You never know. But is that where I want to go?

Here's where I slap myself in the face. And take a look around. Where the heck am I?

Midlife crisis. (Time to dye the hair, cougar after a young hunk, lipo all trace of those cakes and cookies outta the thighs and rear carriage, and drive a fast, shiny car?)

Yeah right. Let's look at what we got.

So you've taken this path so far in your life and you thought it was leading where you wanted to go. Ya made a few turns in directions that weren't too far from the turn you really wanted to take, but you did it because it was easier/didn't want to move back in with the folks/wouldn't inconvenience a loved one/didn't cost as much/etc. Hmmm. It's like you got kidnapped, blindfolded, and now you're at your destination and the blindfold has been taken off your eyes. You don't know where the heck you ended up (although it's not that bad actually), and how you got there was hard to tell, but where do you go from here? See, you have a good job, paid decently, a roof over your head, eat regular meals, and clothes in the closet.

Was this the destination you wanted? It ain't that bad. You shouldn't complain. Other people have it worse.

The answer is: when you fail to plan you plan to fail. That's the corporate, clean cut answer straight out of a management/self improvement book. blah blah blah. So I could have planned my career better so I'd know without a doubt what rung of the ladder I'm supposed to be climbing toward right now.

Sure I should have had a better map for life in general. But it's not all bad. So why am I so confused, unsure and let's face it: unhappy?

Just a thought......switching gears, just for fun.

What would I do if money was no issue and the slate was wiped clean?
Get rid of most of my belongings and become a minimalist.
Pile friends onto a bus and just take a month or two off to tool around the country. Leave their kids at home.
Travel to each continent. Hang out with locals. Eat what they eat, live as they live. I draw the line at eating charred warthog anus (key the No Reservations show in Africa here).
Sketch and paint like I used to.
Play/write/record music - pound away on the piano, get an impromptu drum session going, whatev. Do some mixing. Always thought I'd like to be a sound designer. Hmmmm.
Wander around. I'm a walker.
Go to concerts, listen to more music.....
Eat meals prepared by the finest chefs.
Dance. Clubs, ballroom, belly, again - whatev.
I love perfume, smells of nature - kind of a scent-a-holic. Don't know what to do with that, but I'd spend more time smelling things. Going places that smelled good. Or had an interesting scent. Sing more. I'm not very good, but I can hold a tune. I sing everywhere but church (if/when i go).
Design stuff and build it. Learn enough construction techniques to create all the stuff I've dreamed up over the years. I have so many post-it-notes and scraps of paper with "inventions" - the next big thing. haha.
Play some sports. I am a competitor at heart.
Drink with friends and hang out on a beach or winery or someplace pretty and warm.
Hang out anywhere and people watch. Love that too.
Read anything, everything, more!
There are other things but those are just for me to know.

Ok, so that right there shows that I work waaaaaayyyy too much and don't play enough. Which is the biggest problem of all.....
Right now, I work a full day job (at a place I've been the last 10 years), part time freelance, volunteer at three community organizations which require a significant chunk of time on a regular basis, take care of numerous pets, and live pretty far away from friends and family. Work and isolation. Same place, same people, same stuff, every day. It wears on the soul. Explains it all.

Most of the fun activities above don't require much money, if any. And sometimes you figure out what you want to really do in life when YOU'RE NOT WORKING!!! Right?

Maybe I need to get the heck away from the grind and find myself by allowing me to be myself.

Then maybe the right program and direction will come my way. Or would that already be setting me down the right road in the right direction?

Going the extra mile....too far.

2009-01-03T22:08:00.000-08:00

If you have the right answer for you, but it's not what others want to hear, is it the wrong answer? If you can do your best to tolerate something that isn't the right answer for you, but makes other happy, is it necessarily the wrong answer?

How much should one compromise in order to keep what they value? Is the answer to value nothing and no one, then there is none to lose or compromise for?

Much like a seesaw, if one is made happy, the other is miserable but they care to hold down their end to keep the other one uplifted. The question is, who carries more weight?

Still here...

2008-02-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

I'm still here. Been meaning to blog as I've had so many ideas to write about. At times I feel like I could write forever if I could just get my thoughts straight. I'm also feeling very politically incorrect lately and could hurt some feelings. In fact a lot of things I think now are very opinionated and mean. So I'm holding off til I get a little sunnier view of life. Ok, I have to vent a little.

A lot of it stems from living and working around people who subscribe to the traditional roles for men and women. It is unthinkable if one does not conform. I am growing tired of the endless stream of unsolicited comments coworkers, acquaintances and strangers make to me about how I should be living my life. I have even withheld certain information from people who I'd normally tell because I'm exhausted dealing with the friction.

People tell me I should have children because I would regret it if I didn't. I never tell them they shouldn't have had children because they are horrible parents, spoiling their kids, letting them get away with bad behavior and feeding them too much junk food. Letting them run around stores hitting others with random pieces of merchandise. Taking babies to movies at 11 pm. Buying teens brand new cars for their 16th birthday that are crashed the next week. Talking back to adults with a nasty mouth. I could go on. Then they wonder why the children become irresponsible adults.

Thankfully I haven't got the "you're being selfish" remark because that would be one they would never tell someone again after I got done letting them know how I feel.

I haven't taken the last name of my husband. A decision that we are both fine with, it's a total non-issue. However, this caused a near Armaggedon breakdown for other women around me. Among the comments that have been made: "you're lazy", "it is too confusing for others" and "you must not love him".

I have received just a handful of comments from men, all the countless others came from women. It's no joke that maybe women are where they are in society because many of them work so hard on peer pressuring others to fit the same mold.

You see it in families with mothers saying to their daughters or daughters in law, "I want to be a grandma." Or "when are you getting married, you should be married already."

I'm not saying that you can't be a success in career and in parenting, single or with a partner, but it's difficult. (From what I hear of course because as I've also been told, I have no idea whatsoever of what it's like to be a parent.)

I am happy with my decision to be childless by choice, keeping the name I was given at birth, and having a different agenda than the average woman my age. Even if that means at times people view me like I have an obscene facial tattoo and an ear sticking out of my forehead. My clock is not ticking even though I am told again and again it should be. Why aren't there more women out there encouraging other women to enjoy the lifestyle they choose? I can't remember the last time I heard someone say, "good for you" or a positive reinforcement. Not that I need it to feel secure but I wonder if ladies out there can sprinkle some sunshine in between the rain.

I'm Back!

2007-04-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

Back on track here......had some problems getting into my account when it became part of Google. All good now.

Til death do they climb

2007-02-18T16:54:00.000-08:00

Lately I've heard and read more stories about climbers going missing on mountains. What drives people to go up on peaks in the middle of winter, I wonder? Do they have a death wish or the extreme need to defy all common sense and go when conditions could be better? I don't know.

Is it to be able to come back after the trip and say that they've conquered the mountain under the worst possible conditions? To be where few have gone before? Is it to satisfy the adrenaline junkie within? Is it to sell their photos and stories to make money?

I feel for their families, especially for those who have a spouse/partner and children. Why would you endanger the future of those you love, on purpose? I know that many would say that they died doing something they love, but if your hobby is doing something that is so dangerous that every time you do it, you risk a pretty good chance of death, would you allow yourself to take on a husband or wife and have children?

That may be harsh, but I feel that way at the moment.

I know of a person who died on Everest, an experienced, avid climber, who from what I understand wanted to also bring attention to a noble cause, but to what end? Of course it raisied awareness of the cause (but for how long?) and probably raised more money for research in that area, but was it worth his life? If any of his loved ones read this, I welcome their reply.

The news I've heard lately just made me think of him and what his family and friends went through afterwards and still to this day.

She works hard for the money

2006-12-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

Overheard today while shopping at Walmart...

Female employee #1: "Wanna go out tonight?"
Female employee #2: "I just got married this morning, so yeah, I guess I could use a drink."

Must be related to Toonces

2006-12-02T05:57:00.000-08:00

Woke up in the middle of the night to a strange noise. One of the cats was on the dining room table licking an envelope. Now if I could only get her to pay the bills and mail them too...

I kept flashing back to the Seinfeld episode where George's fiancee dies from licking the glue on the cheapo wedding invites. But my envelope was from Hallmark, and you know I paid out the nose for that card so I feel pretty safe that the cat will live. :-)

It's not a tumor!

2006-11-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

After waiting and waiting, and playing phone tag with the doctor, I finally found out that my test results came back negative for an active tumor. And the total surprise was that the tumor was not even where the previous doctors said it was, which would have been a pretty bad situation. It's actually above the adrenal gland in some tissue, not in a vital organ. And they think it's not cancer but a granuloma. Because of the location, it can be safely biopsied they say. So I'm being referred to thoracic surgeon for further testing. Now I play the health insurance/referral game to get into another doctor. But I will take that any day over the alternative.

I can't even express in words how relieved I feel.

This tumor has been a such a game of Where's Waldo. So glad they've finally figured it out to some extent. My family and friends, as well as others through this blog, have been so supportive, I just want to thank them from the bottom of my heart. When you go through such a scare, it's amazing how people come together to give a hug or a kind word, or listen when you need it.

As part of my job I have to occasionally interview people for different stories that will be written and put in our company newsletter or sent out to the media. A couple weeks ago, I interviewed an older woman who finished a battery of treatments for an aggressive form of breast cancer and was declared in remission. She went through the gamut of treatment....surgery, chemo and over 30 sessions of radiation therapy. Mentally she was the equivalent of a champion marathon runner, determined and focused with such a positive attitude it was contagious. She told me about a sign that inspired her that the doctor had posted in the clinic where she received her chemo. It said "Cancer Ain't for Sissies."

I love that phrase because it sums up the inner strength you have no choice but to pull together for yourself. You have to make yourself a stronger person. Dealing with the threat of death shears away all the bullshit and makes you fight for what's most important and care only about what's most important (which is usually what gets lost in our busy lives). You can allow the superficial crap we all get caught up in to fall away without any hesitation. I gotta tell ya, I am by nature an extremely anxious and worrisome personality.....don't know why....but I am. And this whole experience, while I wouldn't want to go through it again, has really helped calm me down with the day to day issues that I normally would have gotten worked up about.

My friend, MCH, beat cancer in her late teens and as she says, "made it her bitch". I love that one too. She cracks me up because she just turned 30 and wonders if she's accomplished enough in her life so far. She seems to be a little let down because she's not gone as far - career and school-wise as she imagined she would be. She's lived overseas, earned her masters at a young age, beat cancer and has had so many interesting and wonderful life experiences. She's married to a really great guy and has a caring and fun-loving family. She's overcome lots of hurdles where others would have fallen. I laugh because lots of people would look at her life and wish they had accomplished half as much as she has just so far. So to you, MCH, happy belated birthday (even though you know I did call you on the official day) and don't you ever doubt the path you've taken in life, because you are a success!

Everything will come your way.

2006-10-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog. Last two weeks I've been slammed with work and meeting up with friends for weekend events.

Two weekends ago was Homecoming.......good times, good times. All I have to say is that, thanks to my handy little camera, several of my friends will not be running for political office any time soon. hee hee. Some pictures I can't tell if it's the franks or the beans. Hey, I can't help what people do when they get drunk in public places.

It was so good to see all the old gang back together having fun.

This past weekend, my friend Meg, her hubby, and one of her friends and I went on our haunted house tour in a large city close by. Meg and I did the same tour last year and we were impressed. This year, we took two new people along on the same tour and were pretty let down. Sad to say, the houses were not as interesting or fun this year. We still had a great time hanging out. Part of which included people-watching while standing outside a gas station eating snacks....

So after making a restroom pit stop so we wouldn't have to use the porta potties at the haunted houses, we bought some drinks and snacks and finished them off before we got into our cars. We're standing like Jay & Silent Bob outside the gas station/convenience store chit-chatting....and this young white guy rolls up in a huge new, black Dodge truck decked out with chrome trim on everything, rims, you name it. He gets out and looks about 20 and pretty skinny and short. But he walked like he had it goin on, in gang banger chic, with his jeans pulled down, and his new hat just placed on the top of his head, turned back to the right. Must have been daddy's truck because there was no way he could have bought that on his own. Meg's husband goes over to look at his truck and soon after, the guy comes out of the store, gets in the truck, and peels out of the parking space. Then, he peels out of the gas station onto the street. We all think "where are the cops to see this?" And before anyone could say anything really, a police car races out onto the street from behind the gas station and turns on his lights to pull the guy over. Then another trooper follows not a few seconds later. The great thing was, that the cop peeled out of the gas station just like the truck did. Funny. And for once, a police officer was actually there when we wished they were to see what this idiot was doing. Such drama we experienced, and for free! We should hang out at gas stations more often.

Then I met up with some other friends downtown and partied with them at the bar til close. After that we went to a 50's style greasy spoon close by and ate breakfast. This was one fascinating place. You have the after bar crowd - totally wasted - and officers of the law all hanging out together eating bacon & eggs. Which is normal for any late night diner, but the last time I was there with my friends in August, we saw a lot of the same people. Which is strange because this is located in a big city. Anyway, what captured my attention was a lady at the next table. I would guess her age as late 50s, much too young to be wearing what she was, and in public. Her shirt was along the lines of the top of a muumuu, very loose and with a round collar. Sort of a house dress meets the top of a clown outfit. The material stole the show. It was a black, white and grey background design with the M&M characters in the various M&M colors dotted all over it. It looked as if someone took kid's bedsheets and made a ridiculous top out of it. The piece de resistance was the lace edging on the collar. It was like a train wreck, I couldn't take my eyes away. And she was with her husband and a younger man who were both dressed nicely in Dockers and a polo shirt. Can't believe they let her go out like that. Funny thing is, she would have been a somewhat attractive older woman if she would have worn something a little more appropriate. But who am I to say what to wear to an all night diner. However, I remember seeing her at a table at the same bar we were at when we first came in. Yikes.

Off on a tangent....no transitional material here....
A couple weeks ago, after eating at my fave Chinese buffet, I opened my fortune cookie and it said "Everything will come your way." Ain't that the truth!

Parties Galore, Empty Chairs and Pee Jugs

2006-09-27T20:39:00.001-07:00

Haven't felt like posting lately. Been out doing my damndest to have a good time and trying to get more sleep.

Last weekend was a kick ass wedding bash in Wisconsin and I was wearing THE hottest black dress I bought just for that night. Felt like a queen. Danced like a fiend, and I know I was drunk because when I'm sober I can barely walk in the pointy high heel slip ons I wore that night. Had a little hangover from Tanqueraying too hard. Nothing too serious. The pics I took with my digital camera are hilarious. Had a few shots of the floor and ceiling. It takes skill to dance, snap a pic and hold a drink at the same time.

The weekend before that I visited a festival in the small town that I recently moved to. It's a decent sized fair with food, rides, crap (I mean craft) booths, food tasting, and events for adults and the kiddies. And then there's the parade. This year it lasted TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!!! I think every high school band within a 100 mile radius marched in it. SHEESH! And some people need to take it easy with the candy distribution from the floats. Pitch it over to the kids on the sidewalks, don't whip it at em. Although they were probably intentionally throwing the candy at people's faces to keep them awake through such a long, drawn out affair. How many times can you hear an awkward, out of tune rendition of Louie, Louie?

Anyhoo, I digress.

I thoroughly enjoyed all the fair food goodness I possibly could without going into insulin shock or having a heart attack. MMMMMM.....funnel cakes, carmel apples, corn dogs, oh my. In the early evening, I visited a BBQ festival in another town, had a few drinks, listened to an interesting band (replete with interpretive dancers - no shoes, long skirts, unshaven, haven't bathed...you know the ones) and struck up an hour long conversation with some complete strangers who also had a few drinks. THEN, later that night, I went to a coworker's house party......good times as well. All of this fun on one night. When it rains, it pours.

Back to the parade, I almost forgot to mention this. The night before (sometimes even 2 nights before), all the locals set up their lawn chairs in their "usual places" along the main street. Some of the chairs are really expensive looking. Many chairs are even tied up together with rope to keep them in a group. This is a tradition. God forbid you set your chairs up in someone's spot! I grew up near a big city and there is no way that we would do this, because you'd end up missing your lawn chairs the next day. No use in that! So when I drove down the main street late the night before, it looked so eerie with all the empty chairs lining the street and no one to be seen. It was like something big was going on and in the middle of it, everyone got abducted by aliens. Very strange. When I talked to some people at work about it, they didn't see it as weird at all. Evidently it is common in small towns to set your chairs out early. I took some pics of this phenomena with my digital camera, I'll post them soon.

In between my party filled weekends of late, I've been slaving away at work. This is our slam packed busy season, so when I get home at night, instead of dedicating my time to getting the house more organized, I've been eating dinner, taking care of the laundry/dishes/pet care/exercise/feeding/cleanup stuff, then nesting on the couch for the rest of the night in front of the tube. Normal stuff. And that's OK. I'm trying not to guilt myself out too much about it.

Haven't heard anything further about the cancer thing......still going through more testing. I have to take a 24 hour urine test which involves a big obnoxious orange jug (which you have to refrigerate to keep the pee fresh) and a large dinner plate sized plastic bowl you fit over the toilet seat, with a little notch to make it easy to pour the liquid into the jug. Every time you pee, every SINGLE time, within a 24 hour period you have to collect every drop. So I'm waiting for this weekend where I can go under house arrest and dedicate one day to the pee jug. I thought for one second I could do it during the week, but there's no purse or bag big enough or inconspicuous enough to stash all the equipment you have to take with you to the bathroom at work. No hiding that thing. It's one heck of a conversation starter. And just imagine, for those people who have problems with coworkers eating their food and drinking their drinks......the pee jug would solve that one right away. Just label it "Lemonade" when you put it in the company fridge. Problem solved.

Ok, time to wrap this one up, it's getting late. I'll try not to get too lazy with my posting. I have lots of respect for those who are dedicated to posting every or every other day.

Rollercoastin'

2006-09-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

After sleepless nights and much anxiety and anticipation, the big appointment with the out of town "specialist" at the area's renown cancer center has come and gone. From what he said, I'm not out of the woods, but the verdict is out again on whether this tumor is what is it or not. Apparently one of the radiologists read my films wrong, one doctor did not order further testing when he should have, and you should always get many opinions when it comes to cancer. (Which I knew already and I'm glad that I'm doing.) Is this tumor what the doctors back home had originally suggested? Not likely the specialist said, based on my medical history and the basic testing I'd already had done. They can't completely rule it out without further detailed testing, which I will be doing this week. But the fact that they didn't admit me then and there, and that the specialist was pretty calm and didn't have an overwhelming sense of urgency, made me feel more relieved.

It was like a brick had been lifted, even if it is temporary, I am enjoying it. The past two days, I've slept like a baby, gone out to see friends, enjoyed the local fall outdoor events and had peace of mind. Felt normal. I was able to listen to music again, which I hadn't done since the original diagnosis.

The thing that kind of bugs me is that I would not have gone down this road had I not been persistent, nosy and overly inquisitive about my health and wellbeing. What if it was the worst case scenario and I had just taken the word of the doctor who brushed off the CT scan and said "we'll just monitor it" and never ordered further lab tests? Scary. I really fear for older people without relatives/caregivers or those who don't know what questions to ask, are afraid to ask, or just assume that "doc knows best."

You know you best, you know when something doesn't feel right or make sense, and you have to have an open relationship with your doctor where you feel comfortable asking questions, and they are willing to answer them and address any issues.

And I apologize for not posting since mid week but I was enjoying my weekend after 7 days of pretty high stress.

By the way, Ruby has recovered completely. She's still finishing out her antibiotics which is a real treat for her because she gets them mushed in with her favorite soft food. I've never seen an animal so excited to take meds.

Too much too soon

2006-09-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

So did anyone else feel like they were a little overwhelmed with the coverage of the 5 yr. anniversary of 9/11? I remember that day like it was yesterday. That morning I was watching ABC news while getting ready for work. I ran over to the TV and saw the view right after the 1st plane hit. Then I saw the second plane hit the tower as it happened. For a time there, it seemed surreal, like it couldn't really be happening. That day and for the next week or so, I was in front of the TV, eating/breathing/sleeping the coverage practically 24-7. My sister was a United flight attendant at that time, and my mom called saying she was on a flight that morning originating from the east coast, but from what city we weren't sure. I was glued to the phone, anxiously waiting for a call that she was OK, which she was, thank God. I will not ever, ever forget that day. I don't need to see cheesy, overdone Hallmark movies to bring out the true emotions I felt then. And I will not pay to see a movie about it. I tried watching the coverage yesterday and couldn't make it through even 2 minutes of it. Too much, still too soon.

Glad to report I'm feeling more emotionally stable about the whole tumor/cancer thing. Still haven't gotten the word back from my doc on when the appointment is with the team of specialists. I'm OK with waiting a week or two to go through all the testing because I need time to fully process the news and get myself (and my family) together. Dedicating myself to work and organizing stuff around the house has in a weird way lifted my spirits.

Today was crazy. Ruby had a case of the puke/projectile diarrhea. My poor baby. She's never had this before so I though it was just a one time thing, get it out and she'd feel better. But it just kept getting worse as the day went on and more frequent. So I took her to the vet. After testing her they said she has an imbalance of bacteria in her digestive system, like bacterial colitis or something like that. The vet said she'd seen a few other dogs in with the same thing today. Not an uncommon problem, but medication is needed to kill the bad bacteria and restore balance. So now Ruby has three different meds to take with (her favorite) soft food. It's been about 3 hours after the first dose and she's only pooped once. So far so good.

With all the crap (no pun intended) I'm going through right now, seeing Ruby lift her tail earlier today and spray yellow liquid shit all over the living room carpet, then put her tail back down and getting it all ground into her long tail fur just made me throw up my hands......thinking THAT'S PERFECT, WHAT the HELL else can happen!!!???? I thought the roof was going to cave in just for icing on the cake.

But I told my scared little Ruby everything was OK and pet her and wiped the chunks of poop out of her fur. And she looked at me with her big brown eyes. Then I laughed out loud. The whole room stunk to high heaven and so did she, but none of that mattered.

Can't sweat the small stuff, you know?!!!

I highly recommend a carpet cleaner if you have pets. It is, hands-down, the best investment I've made. Saved me a security deposit many a time! Cleanup takes minutes and then it's like it never happened.

2006-09-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been hell. My great friend Meg who's been through cancer before said it's normal to think of the worst case scenario, which is of course what I've been doing, day & night since I got the news on Friday. Why they don't put you on antidepressants the moment after they tell you is beyond me. (Probably because people would OD on it.) They should at least refer you to a counselor or something instead of leaving you to fester about it over the weekend and research like a maniac on the Internet.

I can't search for support groups related to this cancer anymore. All that I've read online so far has been all the more depressing. There are cries for help......everyone's outlook is grim and I can't hear that shit right now. I wonder if the success stories just don't post......I wish they did.

Although I have been busting butt around home and going in to work over the weekend to try to close up all loose ends and put my "affairs" in order, I still have lots to do. But the constant supply of work makes me feel better. It helps to keep my mind busy and off the 400 pound gorilla so to say.

The doctor said having this type of cancer is so rare that they have no idea what causes it, they don't know the risk factors or if it's genetic. He said I can live life as usual til the surgery or whatever else they need to do. So I had a coupla drinks the last few nights. To celebrate one of my best friend's weddings which happened this weekend 350 miles away. I was supposed to go, but I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so I'd probably be a freakin mess during the whole damn thing. And I really didn't feel like bustin up his day with the news, if anyone asked me what was wrong. I know he'll understand.....he called last night wanting to know what was up and I said I'd call him Monday and we'd talk. Today he TXTd me really wanting to know and I want to tell him but would really rather not put this shit on him on his wedding weekend.

Last night after crying for the first time since I heard the news, I started feeling a little more positive. Like I needed to just let go. I decided that I would try my hardest to think, "I will be healthy, I will be OK, I will beat it". I waiver back and forth now between that and the other, but I feel like I am starting to come around to the acceptance stage and can find the strength to go on.

My friends and family have been kind of strange about it so far. They've been sympathetic on the phone, but haven't called back since I first called them. When I hear they're really sick, I call them every day or every other. Maybe they're just freaked out and need time to absorb. I hope they come around and call me back - instead of me reaching out to them all the time. I've been pretty independent all my life and prided myself on it, but now I feel the need for a support system. Many times I've been the one who catches people when they fall, now I need a catcher.

Taking my doggie Ruby for walks has made up some of the most peaceful times of this weekend. Such a simple thing that makes all the difference. I can't help but laugh when I see her panting and she looks up at me - a smile on her face, her little tongue hanging out of her mouth and her tail wagging. She's my girl.

2006-09-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new blog. I'm 33 and just got an initial diagnosis of a rare form of cancer. There's so much I could have written about before now, good and bad, just never did. Now I feel compelled to do so - as a much needed outlet for my anxiety, to give and receive support from others, and to enjoy life - how ever long it may be.

On a lighter note, I've decided that when I get the tumor out, I'd like to sell it on Ebay. If I'm lucky, maybe you'll be able to see a face of a famous person on it.